Monday, September 23, 2013

Starting Over

Let's start off by saying it has been a long time since the last time I posted. Life kind of took over and I let things slide. My relationship with the man that means the most in the world to me was turned upside down. We argued about our relationship and where we were going. I felt like we were together long enough and I knew we were meant to be together and pushed marriage. He wanted to keep things the way they were. I pushed too hard without taking into account his true feelings, which I knew, but ignored for the sake of I wanted what I wanted. I still want now what I have wanted for years, but now I know that I can't change how he thinks. Only he can change that. For now, all I can do is love and support him. I know that we are meant to be together, so I will be patient because I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. A year ago, I considered and told him I wanted to move out, thinking that it would make him realize what he was about to lose. It backfired...I moved out...on my own for the first time in my life. I was scared, sad, felt lost, confused, unloved. I felt like I was unwanted and why bother...why bother caring about myself, my health, my weight. I dressed nice everyday for work, and did my hair and makeup. I did my job and I did it well. I still do. I told myself I looked beautiful and it didn't matter how much I weighed. I had confidence in that I knew I was a well put together woman who was in control of her career. But the truth of it was, I was confident in being able to do my job and do it well, but I was not confident about my weight at all. I was not confident in myself.

If you followed my few posts before, you will know that I started Weight Watchers years ago (in my twenties) and I was successful. I had drive, motivation. I wanted to feel healthy. I wanted to be happy when I looked in the mirror. I wanted to fit into my clothes again. I followed the plan and my results showed immediately. The pounds fell off. I got to my goal weight and was so excited. The last couple months were hard, but I stuck to it. As soon as I hit that goal, I felt like I made it and I didn't have to try anymore. Slowly, the pounds crept back. A couple at a time, and I thought I will be able to get it back off. What I didn't think about were the last few months of my weight loss journey. Those last 10 pounds were so hard because my body was getting used to what I was doing and even though I was making the right choices, those last few just weren't going away. I had to change things up with my workout, and I got that boost to where I wanted to be. When I felt like I was "cured" and I started to gain back, I had a blind eye to the fact that those pounds would be so hard to lose again.

Now it's two years after I hit my goal weight, and I have gained it back. Right where I started. Only now there's more. I am still living on my own, with my kitty Deja. I am now in my thirties, trying to do what I did in my twenties, but I can tell you, it's definitely not as easy as the first time, and now that my body has accustomed to being in my thirties, that makes it even harder. I have more stress in my life than the first time around. Money, my job, and where my life is headed stresses me out everyday. I thought I knew my future years ago, but now I know that anything can happen and life never goes as planned. I know what I want, but I can't guarantee that. I have to keep trying and pushing forward in life to where I want to be in the long run. Any even then, there are always those little life surprises that throw you for a loop. As Dory put it, I need to "just keep swimming."

Recently I have realized there is only one thing holding me back from achieving what I want in life, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. Me. Only I can change the path I am on and I have to start with how I think about myself. To realize I am worth it, and that everything I do is about me, not anyone else, or what anyone else may think. They don't have to live with me, I do. And if they chose that they want to live with me, they will love me for who I am just like I do. So I am starting over. I am trying to journal everything I eat, because I know I am so much more conscious about what I am putting in my body when I do journal. I will continue to tell myself I am beautiful, because I am, inside and out. In addition, I will not only tell myself, but show myself that I am worth it to be the most beautiful version of myself, and I am worth it to feel the best I can, both physically and mentally. I can do this. I will do this. I may not be perfect, but know if I can try so hard to make everyone else in my life happy, I can do this for myself. So my journey starts over, and I don't want to backtrack again once I get there. This time it is a lifestyle change. This is for good. This is the beginning to the rest of my life and I want to give the best me possible to my parents, my siblings, the love of my life, but most of all, to myself.

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