Monday, September 23, 2013

Starting Over

Let's start off by saying it has been a long time since the last time I posted. Life kind of took over and I let things slide. My relationship with the man that means the most in the world to me was turned upside down. We argued about our relationship and where we were going. I felt like we were together long enough and I knew we were meant to be together and pushed marriage. He wanted to keep things the way they were. I pushed too hard without taking into account his true feelings, which I knew, but ignored for the sake of I wanted what I wanted. I still want now what I have wanted for years, but now I know that I can't change how he thinks. Only he can change that. For now, all I can do is love and support him. I know that we are meant to be together, so I will be patient because I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. A year ago, I considered and told him I wanted to move out, thinking that it would make him realize what he was about to lose. It backfired...I moved out...on my own for the first time in my life. I was scared, sad, felt lost, confused, unloved. I felt like I was unwanted and why bother...why bother caring about myself, my health, my weight. I dressed nice everyday for work, and did my hair and makeup. I did my job and I did it well. I still do. I told myself I looked beautiful and it didn't matter how much I weighed. I had confidence in that I knew I was a well put together woman who was in control of her career. But the truth of it was, I was confident in being able to do my job and do it well, but I was not confident about my weight at all. I was not confident in myself.

If you followed my few posts before, you will know that I started Weight Watchers years ago (in my twenties) and I was successful. I had drive, motivation. I wanted to feel healthy. I wanted to be happy when I looked in the mirror. I wanted to fit into my clothes again. I followed the plan and my results showed immediately. The pounds fell off. I got to my goal weight and was so excited. The last couple months were hard, but I stuck to it. As soon as I hit that goal, I felt like I made it and I didn't have to try anymore. Slowly, the pounds crept back. A couple at a time, and I thought I will be able to get it back off. What I didn't think about were the last few months of my weight loss journey. Those last 10 pounds were so hard because my body was getting used to what I was doing and even though I was making the right choices, those last few just weren't going away. I had to change things up with my workout, and I got that boost to where I wanted to be. When I felt like I was "cured" and I started to gain back, I had a blind eye to the fact that those pounds would be so hard to lose again.

Now it's two years after I hit my goal weight, and I have gained it back. Right where I started. Only now there's more. I am still living on my own, with my kitty Deja. I am now in my thirties, trying to do what I did in my twenties, but I can tell you, it's definitely not as easy as the first time, and now that my body has accustomed to being in my thirties, that makes it even harder. I have more stress in my life than the first time around. Money, my job, and where my life is headed stresses me out everyday. I thought I knew my future years ago, but now I know that anything can happen and life never goes as planned. I know what I want, but I can't guarantee that. I have to keep trying and pushing forward in life to where I want to be in the long run. Any even then, there are always those little life surprises that throw you for a loop. As Dory put it, I need to "just keep swimming."

Recently I have realized there is only one thing holding me back from achieving what I want in life, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. Me. Only I can change the path I am on and I have to start with how I think about myself. To realize I am worth it, and that everything I do is about me, not anyone else, or what anyone else may think. They don't have to live with me, I do. And if they chose that they want to live with me, they will love me for who I am just like I do. So I am starting over. I am trying to journal everything I eat, because I know I am so much more conscious about what I am putting in my body when I do journal. I will continue to tell myself I am beautiful, because I am, inside and out. In addition, I will not only tell myself, but show myself that I am worth it to be the most beautiful version of myself, and I am worth it to feel the best I can, both physically and mentally. I can do this. I will do this. I may not be perfect, but know if I can try so hard to make everyone else in my life happy, I can do this for myself. So my journey starts over, and I don't want to backtrack again once I get there. This time it is a lifestyle change. This is for good. This is the beginning to the rest of my life and I want to give the best me possible to my parents, my siblings, the love of my life, but most of all, to myself.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Let's be honest

Ok, here I am. It has been 6 months since I made goal weight and I have strayed....not too terribly far, but at my last weigh in I was 8 lbs+. Now here I am, looking at what I have done the last 6 months, only to find it was the complete opposite of what I learned to do. I quit working out, I stopped eating healthy (not that I just ate a bunch of crap, but I just wasn't making the right decisions.) Now I am here, January 11, 2010, and I am approximately 3 lbs away from goal. Which means if I keep trying as hard as I was to lose the weight, I will be there again in the next two weeks. I will keep you tuned in.

As far as social networking goes, all I can say is, I don't get on twitter very much, which I am really trying to change because I have WAY more support there than anywhere else (and I am SO thankful for.) Without support I cannot do it. I need my cheerleaders to get me there, just like anyone else. Positive energy gives positive results. I need to get out of all these apps on Facebook. They are like quicksand. You get sucked into one and all of a sudden you're on the computer all day. There's the right kind of social networking and the wrong kind. Be careful where you set your boundaries. Mine was all the crazy apps on FB. I suddenly dropped all my workouts and was on the computer from the time I got off work till the time I went to bed. And it wasn't productive. It was farming and fishing, and bejeweled and more. So I gotta tone it down. I probably won't stop all the apps, but I definitely know I am cutting back immediately.

So Here I Am. Trying to do better at everything but not doing the right behaviors to get the right results. I am determined to be better at everything, and I will continue to press towards success. With work, with life, with weight loss. And I will get there. I will take on these habits toward success and make it a lifestyle change. Not temporarily. Always. So I can be the best I can be, and have a family and instilling the right way to treat your mind, body, and soul to my family. To be happy. To love me and all others around me. To be successful and know that I made the right choice. Starting today. This is my New Year's Resolution 2010.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I made it!

WOW. I made it! 16 months, trials and errors, successes and failures. I lost 41.2 pounds with WeighWatchers. Many of you know that I have been following Weight Watchers, but I don't know if you know why. I joined Weight Watchers because I knew it was the right way to lose weight, because it's not taking a pill, cutting certain things out of your diet, or even being on a diet. It's truly a lifestyle change, and unless you take time to learn about yourself, and learn to make those changes that will change your life, you will not succeed. You can't make those changes with blinders. You have to have an open mind to realize what you always thought may not be right.

So how have I changed? I'm glad you asked. To start, one of the first things I did off the bat was journal. I started on paper, then switched to Weight Watchers etools on their site. Journaling truly made me accountable for what I was putting in my mouth. As my leader, Kim, says "If you bite it, you write it." Words of wisdom. That first change made me realize I was eating WAY more than I though, and definitely more than needed. Just by journaling, I lost 20 pounds.

At that point I started to plateau. It was a long plateau, but slowly, I made my way. The second change I made was exercise. I have always been a fast walker, and I didn't feel that I was really making a difference just by toodling along on the treadmill at two miles per hour. I started by walking, walking fast. By fast I mean probably about 3.2-3.3 miles per hour. Power walking, as some call it. I did that for quite a bit, probably about six months. But I was reading through blogs and twitter that others were running at nearly four miles an hour. So I figured if I could walk nearly that fast, it wouldn't be that hard to run. And you know what? I was right. I was really worn at first, but in no time, I was running, and I knew I could do it. I was running at about 3.6 miles an hour. Recently, I went from 3.6 up to 4.5 and it was SO much easier than I ever thought! I was amazed. When I started running, I had gotten a book that had different exercises, from yoga to walking to running to toning with those exercise bands. There was a running regiment, and I followed that for a 45 minute workout. I still follow it when I run. It's easy for me to keep track of where I'm at because I know what minute to start running, and slow down for a break.

I have tried other workouts, from yoga to push ups, to crunches. I always felt I was working hardest when I was on the treadmill, or the elliptical. Low and behold lifting weights actually makes your metabolism get into full swing, and cardio makes your heart stronger. That is something I learned in the last month, and have started lifting weights along with a shorter elliptical/treadmill session. I think that's how I lost my last three pounds in two weeks. I love working out now, where as before, I hated it. I thought about working out, and didn't even want to get up to change clothes. Now I make sure to pack a workout bag the night before to take to work in the morning. Once I have that bag packed with my clothes and shoes, I have it set in my head that I am working out, and if I don't, it's just pure laziness.

One of the other major changes I have made has been what I am eating. I eat fruit and veggies ALL the time now. I used to eat my veggies, yes, but I wouldn't eat nearly as many as I should have. I used to have a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, and sometimes I would eat something in the next couple hours because I was hungry again. Then in a couple hours I would eat lunch, and it would be something like chicken fingers (fried, of course) and french fries (needless to say, fried.) I would hardly ever eat fruit. And the silly thing is I have always loved fruit! Why didn't I eat it? I really don't have an answer to that, even now. That was just breakfast and lunch. For dinner, I was always making some type of high calorie/fat pasta, had bread, biscuits, or rolls with every dinner. I would have 2 rolls and more pasta than veggies and meat combined. For dessert, I would have a huge bowl of ice cream every night. If it wasn't ice cream, it was a bunch of cookies and milk. I'm not talking one or two cookies. I'm talking eight to ten cookies. Let's say one cookie is three points, that was 30 points I was eating ALONE in cookies!! I never even was allotted 30 points in one day!!

These days I get up early in the morning to make my breakfast, usually an english muffin w/ low fat cream cheese, or a scrambled egg, and would pair that with some kind of fruit. My favorite fruits are strawberries, grapes, and bananas. I also make my lunch. It may be anything from leftovers from the night before to making myself a turkey sandwich. Pair the sandwich with some baby carrots, and I have myself a lunch that will last me till the end of my workday. I hardly ever have breads for dinner anymore, and I totally pay attention to portion size. I also eat my veggies and meat first, then I finish my dinner with whatever other side I may have. I also grill just about everything, from potatoes to meats, spring, summer, fall and winter too! I LOVE grilling!! I sometimes have dessert, but it may be one scoop of ice cream, not a huge bowl. When I make cookies, I will usually have two, and that is good enough to keep me satisfied.

Now these are all my great successes, but I have some opportunities still too. Eight glasses of water a day is a lot to take in; I feel like I am floating after about four. I usually don't drink a lot of fluids anyway. I got up to six glasses of water a day for a month or two. I don't know what happened there. I will continue to try to get my water in, but will always be a struggle for me.

Another opportunity is actually two things combined into one. I feel like I always get the same things at the grocery store, therefore, my dinners feel repetitive or boring sometimes. I want more variety, and I think I know how to make that happen, but I haven't taken the time to make it happen. The answer is menu planning. I want to start planning my dinners, that way I know what we are having; I don't have to search around thinking "What do I have, what can I make?" So my next goal is to start planning a week at a time, making a grocery list out of my menu, and making sure I have everything I will need. I just haven't done it yet. But menu planning has been on my mind for about a month now.

It's not just me that has helped me to lose weight, it has been support and motivation from my friends and Weight Watchers meetings. Without my weekly meetings, I know that I wouldn't have made it. When I had gone to WW to weigh in, but left before the meetings started, I either maintained that week or gained. I need the motivation from others who are in the same position as me, going thru the same trials and errors. Things they say help me and I'm sure that some things that I share may help them too. I have so many friends online thru twitter that are also doing Weight Watchers. That is primarily why I use twitter now, actually. It didn't start out that way, but I found so much motivation and support, that I really prefer to keep my twitter timeline circulating around weight loss topics. To me, twitter support is just as needed in my life as my Weight Watchers meetings. Most of my friends from work and personal life know that I have been trying to lose the weight, and they are always happy for me when I reach a new goal or come into work on Thursdays excited because I lost! Even though they may not be directly connected to my weight loss world, they know how important it is to me and are truly happy for me when I make an achievement. I love the support from my friends, in real life and virtually, and from my family as well. My parents have also been very supportive because they are Weight Watchers members as well and have been successful also. (Another reason I joined.) So THANK YOU to everyone that has been for me through it all!!

Persistence is key. If you are partway there, and decide that's good enough, you are only cheating yourself. Why lose 30 and give up in the last 10? Stick with it, and you will be celebrating just the same. And it feels GREAT to reach your goal! If you aren't getting the support you need, ask for it. Or find it like I did on twitter and in meetings. Every person is different and need their own motivators. If it is hanging your fat pants on your closet door so you see them everyday, then do it! If it's just feeling better by knowing what you are putting into your body, then journal. If you have to get those foods you can't resist out of your house, give it away, or throw it away. It may seem like a waste, but would you rather have it in the trash or on your hips? Do what YOU need to do to get yourself where you want to be, and you WILL make it!

How do I feel now? I feel FANTASTIC!! I have six weeks of maintenance to be lifetime, meaning I will be with Weight Watchers always and as long as I don't gain more than two pounds for more than two weeks in a row, I will get to go for free. I used to walk right by the mirror and glance long enough to check my hair or makeup, but wouldn't look at my body at all. I didn't realize how big I'd gotten because I quit looking. Now I look every chance I get. I know it sounds silly, but I love to see how my body has changed physically! Mentally I feel more alert as well. Now that I have my weight loss under control, it's one less (major) thing to worry about. Now I can focus on the things that matter the most to me, like my family, my doggies and cat, my job, my finances, the list goes on. I am LOVING life right now, and don't want to let this feeling go! I want everyone to feel this. It makes you want to smile at everything, even the rain! My final words? Live life, love yourself, be happy.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I lost!

Just when I was getting frustrated to the point that I didn't think I could lose any more weight, and maybe I should stay where I'm at....I lost!! Not just what I gained last week, but I lost a whopping 3.1 pounds! I know Weight Watchers says that we should lose 1-2 pounds weekly to be losing "healthily" (if that's a word :) ) but I am so proud of myself. I stepped up my workout. I made sure to keep track of my points and be careful not to snack too much every day like I had been in the last month (at least.) I even mowed the lawn for the first time to find a new way to earn activity points. I really didn't mind mowing, it was nice to work out without staying on a treadmill or elliptical machine. To be honest, I really have been getting burnt out on working out on a machine. I'm ready to embrace the spring and run outside; I'm also afraid that I will not get a good enough workout by not running the whole time or not knowing how far I really did go.

I feel like I am the only thing holding me back from being successful. When I am determined to do something, however, I get it done. Like this week. Looking back over my weight loss journey these last 3-4 months, I have been working on the "last ten" for that long. I know I shouldn't eat something (chocolate covered peanuts) but in the end, even as I am thinking I shouldn't eat those, I am still putting them in my mouth, chewing and swallowing. "I shouldn't do this, I need to put them away..." just to come back 5 minutes later. "Just one more handful." I am making my own mistakes, and I cannot blame anyone but myself. When I walked into weigh in last week, I felt ashamed. I knew what the outcome was, and I didn't want to own up to it. But if I didn't, I don't think it would have pushed me to work so hard this week. Now that I have succeeded, I cannot let up, because if I do, I will fail. I am almost there, now down to eight and a half to go. I will not look back, I shall only look to the future, and I know I'm almost there.

I want to thank all of my friends on Twitter who keep me focused and give me support. I really don't know where I would be without you because I don't get the same support at home. My mom praises me when I do well, and gives me supporting words when I need them, but I don't share my feelings to my mom or even Luke when I am feeling down or frustrated. You are the ones who hear my words and you are the ones who carry me through the storm. Thank you all and I love you! @WannaBeSkinny, @bwJen, @dani29, @foodiemcbody, @gradangel18, @MizFitOnline, @ktjo_kk, and so many more. You are wonderful!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

This Week

This week has been a lot of things. It's been good, it's been busy. We have another body living in our house. Our newest edition to the family is Judge. Technically, he is part of the family. He is Coca and TeAmo's brother. They know that, and they have known him for years. They turned four on March 12th.

Every once in a while, Judge's owner needs to get himself caught up with life, and we take Judge for a while. I absolutely love this dog, and really do enjoy when he stays with us. Te has always had a bit of a complex, because he wants to be the Alpha. He is not the Alpha. Because of that complex, things are always a little restless while the transaction of a pair to a pack takes place. Besides that, the entire energy of this household is about to top the charts. Three big dogs running around is just crazy!!

When Judge is with us, he is antsy, he is always looking out for the neighbor dog to come out and play, and the everlasting glance for his daddy to show up and take him home. Te is always following him around and making sure that Judge is behaving. Coca just hangs out and watches the boys act weird. She's such a good dog. They all are.

The dogs are nearly adjusted to being together once again, and are starting to calm down. Another week and everything will be chill. We are expecting to have Judge for at least a few weeks. We haven't heard from his dad since he dropped him off last Monday. He hasn't even called.

Work has been okay; I have been in an adjusting period there too. At the end of February we traded teams, shifts, and supervisors. That means learning how the supervisors score calls and want business to be handled, as well as them adjusting to new personalities and getting to know all of us. There's 15 to a team, and two supervisors. I like the people I work with, and I like my new boss, but he does things totally different from my last boss. I have been contemplating working till midnight to work with him again. But I just can't do it. I have also adjusted to waking up before the crack of dawn. Now, that is hard. I have started making myself breakfast in the morning. It's usually scrambled eggs with salsa or waffles with preserve on them. Either way, yummy!! I love making myself breakfast in the morning. It's like my special time for me to help me get started with my day. I love how when I make scrambled eggs, Coca will wake up and beg for some eggs. My babies love eggs, just like me. :)

Luke is doing alright. Business has been a little slow the last couple months, and he has worked the last five working days, so I know we're headed into spring. That's when work picks up. I definitely admire that he is always finding something constructive to do with his time when he doesn't work, although I know he gets frustrated. I probably would too. He is always working in the yard, or in the garage. He takes care of the things around the house, and he doesn't complain about it. Too bad I can't get him to do the dishes lol. I really do love him, and I really hope that he knows. I probably tell him too much, and doesn't think I mean it. But everytime I say it, I truly mean it.

I have been trying to get Luke to join Weight Watchers for awhile with me, but he doesn't want to. I think he would feel embarrassed, although we are all there for the same reason. So this week I counted how many points he should have and have been tracking what he has been eating all week. I am trying to teach him as well, because I told him I didn't want to have to be doing all his work for him. I am giving it a few weeks and letting him take control. I am proud to say, he has been trying to make good choices, and has been cutting out the extra junk, but not all of it. He did have three cheeseburgers this week, but has been limiting his intake of french fries. I have been portioning his food for him as well. I have to say, I am a little jealous of his weekly points allowances. He gets 39 and I get 23. That's like a whole meal extra! Although I am happy that I don't need that many. It's bittersweet to lose a point. Overall, I know that Luke can make this happen and get healthy, he can always do anything he sets his mind to. Another reason I love him so much!

I feel like I have had a good week myself, when it comes to my weight loss journey. I am five to ten pounds away from my lifetime goal. I don't feel I will have a problem with maintaining it though, because I have been doing so well at maintaining over the last six months. I do have to say that I hadn't been working out these last few months. Excuse after excuse, and I like to work out. I really don't know why I lapsed. I have lost a total of .9 pounds in the last two weeks, and that was starting to work out twice a week after my hiatus. This week I worked out four times, twice on the elliptical at work, and twice on my treadmill at home. I also did some ab workouts. I have a small section around the middle that needs some serious toning. Who'd've thought someone who hasn't eaten muffins in nearly a year still has one hiding on her hips? I have been pondering that for months. I hope I lose at least one pound this week, but I will take anything as a success because I feel good from working out again. It really is addictive, in a good way. Endorphins rock! Lol. Weigh in is tomorrow, so we will see how it turns out. I really can't wait for my meeting, because I missed it last week. I get motivation and postive energy from going to my regular meeting. I also love all the support I get from all my friends on Twitter too, because without them, I don't think I could make it through the week- always positive vibes on the twitterfeed. Especially @bwjen, @poundsbegone, @WannaBeSkinny, @dani29, @tisfan--you guys are totally awesome! I love to read your positive words everyday! And for now, I will leave you, but I promise, I shall return!


Thursday, February 5, 2009

The following is something I wrote June of 2007 right around Campbell's birthday. That was five months after I had to let him go. This past Monday was 2 years since that time.


I got Campbell when I was13 years old. I just knew it when I laid my eyes on him that we were soul mates. He knew it too. It's like a look of relief just lifted from him, and he saw how much I loved him back.

I had always wanted a dalmation. Not because of 101 Dalmations; I just always liked black and white things, and I love dogs. I had 2 rabbits that were black and white too. We got Cams from a family that lived on a farm. His owner was a girl a year younger than me. He would always escape and go to the neighboring farm and chase the cows and chickens. The neighbor would shoot at him to scare him away. But then he told the family that if Campbell didn't stop, then he would shoot him. The family decided it was for the best to give him a good home. My dad worked for someone who knew someone who was getting rid of a 6 month old dalmation. Dad had always liked dalmations too (maybe that's where I get it) so he decided to take him as a trial period. "Two weeks- That's it" my mom telling me before we even got him (two weeks turned into 11 years.) I was so excited I could not contain myself. Campbell was more beautiful than I could even imagine. Tall, muscular, shiny coat with such unique black spots and magnificent white body. My mom once asked me if Campbell was in a line up of dalmations would I recognize him. Dalmation's spots are so unique as well as their personality. I said "Of course I would know him, as he would me." We were like peas and carrots. We did everything together. Cam's favorite thing to do was to run down the street, with me chasing like it was a game. He would run way up ahead of me and then wait for me to catch up just for him to run ahead some more. A little bit it to be expected, but Cams had so much energy he could go for 2 or 3 BLOCKS. Let me tell you- it was so much easier to catch him when I got my license! But he wasn't ADD or too crazy or uncontrollable. He did have ALOT of energy. But he would sit and stay and shake and he loved to chase balls but not bring them back. Campbell would also chew up our trees in the backyard, ripping the branches off and chewing on the trunk- they were small trees. He would also take the firewood off the stack and carry it around the yard. Campbell loved to chase bunnies out side or in. I have a scar where he tried to get Domino but he got me instead because I was protecting her. And one summer he got a turtle out of Mom's flower bed and was carrying it around the yard like a prize. I had to pry his jaws open to get him off that one- and when I did he was trying to jump on me so I had to put him inside and hide the turtle. That poor thing was scared as could be! Probably the funniest thing Campbell did was jump and peek over our 6 foot wood fence to see what was going on on the other side. He was there for my heartbreaks, my successes. He watched me grow into a woman. He slept with me and he woke me in the morning to go out. He would lay on me when I was crying because he knew I hurt but didn't know how to fix it. He would wait up for me and he would howl in my room before I got home (as Mom has told me.) He was scared of thunder and lightening as well as gunshots or anything that sounded like it. One fourth of July (maybe the first one I had him) we had a neighborhood block party and we had a fire truck come down the cul-de-sac. I was sitting on the sidewalk a few houses down, and when that truck blew it's horn, Campbell got so scared he climbed in my lap then got up and peed on me. Let me tell you- it was pretty gross. I went home immeadiately and rinsed my leg off. I was mad at him, but then I looked at him and understood. He was trying to feel safe, and maybe even he marked me to make sure nothing else took me from him. I think it's a combination of both. I couldn't stay mad for long. Campbell was the one being that I could always depend on to be there, to love me, to understood how I felt. He was the best pet I ever had. He didn't feel like a pet to me, he felt more like my baby.

It was the hardest day for me when I had to put him down. He was sick a couple of weeks before and was seeming to recover well, but since he had laying more and not eating and drinking properly it seemed to be a bad combination. He was weak. I had been preparing myself in the prior weeks because I knew that he was older and big dogs die earlier. I had taken Cambell to the vet the day before because he was not eating and drinking again. The doctor did blood and liver tests and everything seemed to be okay for him. So the doctor gave Campbell more fluids and said to let him know how he was doing. So I had been home with Cams after work every night for the couple of weeks he was sick and decided to go out. I carried Campbell upstairs and put him on his bed with chicken I had made for him and a bowl of water. He neither ate nor drank. I went to Applebee's with Crissy to meet for dinner. Mom called me when we were getting ready to leave and told me Campbell had fallen down the stairs. When I got home he was laying in the living room almost to the back door. That was the furthest he could go. I just went over to him and put my arm around him and balled and balled, much like I am now. My mom and dad just sat there with me while I cried. There was nothing they could do- and they knew what I needed to do. I knew too. I cried for probably twenty minutes. He stayed on his bed the whole night until he needed to go out, and when he attempted to go down the stairs he just tumbled down them. I should have left him on his bed downstairs before I left. After I had composed myself I picked Campbell up and carried all 70 pounds of him back upstairs and laid him on my bed, and I crawled in beside him. That was the last night I was going to sleep with his warm body next to me. He couldn't sleep and neither could I. He was panting and whining all night long, and at 6:30 in the morning he wanted off my bed. So I put Campbell on his bed on the floor. He then tried to get up and go into the bathroom. He fell on the linoleum of the bathroom and peed himself. I cleaned it up and made sure he hadn't hurt himself. I moved him to the hall and got dressed, then I sat with him in the hall. He continued to whine and pant. At 7:30 I called the vet and he said "Bring him in and we'll see him now." So I carried him to the car and when we got to the office I just held him in my lap until the vet was ready. I dazingly signed some papers and wrote a check while the doctor explained the procedure. I was waiting for the doctor to come back in the room when my phone went off. I got a text from Emily, who has been my best friend since childhood. I hadn't talked to her at all recently, and when I called her right then she driving down the street right by the vet. I think it was a connection. I think she could feel me and was trying to make me feel good, and when I told her what I was doing and where I was, I think she understood too why she sent me that message. When the doctor came back in I just held Campbell's head and let him hear my voice while it happened. Campbell was 11 1/2 when he passed. It was February 2, 2007. I miss him so much it jurts me, I cry when I look at pictures, and yet I still look because it's the closest thing I have to holding him. I have very vivid dreams about him where I can feel his fur and feel him breathing. Campbell's birthday was June 19, 7 days before mine. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru- missing Campbell.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Few Unknown Facts about Me

I was tagged by a friend to tell 7 things about me. 7 things you may not know about me. Since my virtual friends may not know me as well as my real-world friends know, I am telling you things that ppl in real life know about me but you probably don't. Here goes.

1. I had a Dalmation, Campbell, who was the love of my life. I got him when I was 12, and had him for 12 years almost. He was like my son.

2. I had to put Campbell down 2 years ago on Luke's birthday. I still tear up when I think of him, and also on Luke's birthday (Feb 2nd.)

3. I love to watch ballroom dancing. I think it is so beautiful. I want to be just as graceful some day.

4. My sis is 4 years older than me, but if you get us on the phone together, you would never know which one of us is talking. We sound totally alike.

5. I have only broken one bone; fractured my foot in some sweet shoes last summer. I don't want to break another.

6. I am left handed.

7. I eat in even numbers (probably why I needed to join Weight Watchers, because I eat double of everything.) For example: When I eat M&M's I eat two in every bite. I chew one on the left side on my mouth, and the other on the right side of my mouth. If I am eating something like a sandwich, I take even numbered bites. If I do have an odd number of something, I will either not eat the last one or bite it in half to make two.

Now I'm supposed to tag 5 people to do the same, but I don't know that many ppl blogging to do that, and Lisa already tagged them lol. So anyone who reads this and wants to do one for themselves, go for it and have fun!